September 8,2004 - 10:20 p.m.
Im content with where we are, but now that we can talk it seems like maybe we might get back together. But i really dont know. Oh well, nothing to do about it but just keep on going. Tomorrow is my last day of school for the week... because i am doing that training thing on friday. So tonight i had to do the paper for walsh, the resume for walsh, the math hw for ventura and the task summary paper... it took forever. Plus i went to the mock trial meeting.. when i got home i was shaking like a leaf. I wrote Franco a note today.. i am trying to hide... i dont know why. I am a strong beautiful person why am i hiding... why am i hiding. I really dont know anymore, i think i just find it easier to live in the background. The people i thought i knew arent the same anymore they have all changed and it makes me nervous. Everything is changing so much lately. Talking to brian makes me happy, i am glad we can be friends... but still i think i kinda fear that he will find a girl soon that he will want to be with. Because no matter how uncool he thinks he is, he is a great person and totally gorgeous. I think right now we are seeing where this is going to take us. We are feeling this place out, i need to find my footing in this place.. make sure everything is stable before i can get totally comfortable. It is like i need to make sure that everything is safe here before i can let my gaurd down, but i have already slowly allowed it down. I dont get what a relationship bitch is.. and why you are one... i think i might be one too... i need the security. Not really need it... but i would like to have one person that i could make happy and they could make me happy too.... I think that is my ideal right now. I think right now i am a bit skittish when it comes to looking for a relationship. I want to be in love, not just with anyone.. but with someone that makes me smile so much that it hurts.. to someone that gives me butterflies and makes me that sick kinda nervous. Right now i know that is what i want... but it isnt something i am looking for... i am not ready to look for anything or settledown. And if things work out in a month or so with brian and i then that is ok... but otherwise you know... what can you do. I will not use the words hope, wish or dream. Because it isnt about that anymore.
