September 13,2004 - 8:40 p.m.
This is something i wrote to keep myself from crying during psychology.. we had to take this survey thing to talk about our lives in the future.. once i knew you werent in it i broke down...
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Maybe i am heartbroken... Maybe i am sad. I didnt think you would hurt me again. I thought you loved me, i guess just wearing rose colored glasses. I really dont want to take them ff. I felt in love, i wish this would not have happened. Go, you held me and told me you missed me i asked you if you loved me... and you said yes. I believe you whole heartedly. I fell head over heels. You said you wanted to make me happy.. i really am not happy.. I did not sleep last night i could not sleep last night. This morning you acted like nothing was wrong. Maybe i am sick of this rollercoaster of being a puppet of you wanting me one second and wanting me gone the next. I want love, i am in love with you. This is almost comical... how we spend that night together and we feel so much and then you dont want it. You broke me, maybe i broke me... I should not have let this happen. You told me you didnt want to hurt me... then why did you take my hand at that table and lead me down the stairs and hold me so tight. I would not have done it if i knew this was going to happen. My stomach hurts i havent eaten my sleeves are long again my bones sucked dry. I am going to do what i did before work out this pain drop 15 pounds and look emaciated. You dont want me you dont want me you broke my heart i broke myself i am falling down with nothing to break my fall. Sketching out my blood vessels I still smell your skin and feel your soft flesh. Too bad i cant be cold too bad im so warm i want to turn your off i want to turn you on. Let me be your switch. I want to eat myself alive i hate that i am still pleasantly sore from making love, i dont want to be reminded everytime i get up that i am damaged goods. That once again i have been shuned, scorned, dismissed. Somedays i think that i would do anything for you... others i would do nothing. I am drawing on my hands still feeling out fingers down m spine. From nothing to something from something to nothing. My hair is straight my pants are tight my nails are purple and my face is black. Too much eyeliner, lack of eye contact i cant let you look in my eyes because when i do i melt and then i am aware that i am just a habit, but it hurts to be an unwelcome habit. Once a week alone time bending over breaking a swear cry me a river. Blond blue eyed angels are the once to watch out for, because they were born heartbreakers and are not of this world. Beautiful poision painful passion dirty truths and lies of perfection. I write with a broken heart and a emotional death plaguing on my conscious. Please dont break me , please dont wake me... I am dreaming of love and of long nights like saturday with sweet nothings and open hearts and beautiful words that should not have been said.
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I would love to say right now i wasnt hurt. I dont want to be mad.. but i am a little... only because you lied to me about what you felt what you wanted just to make me happy... i guess it blew up in my face..
I am scared... terrified of you. Maybe someday you will be able to prove to me that i have no need to be scared. Tell me something i dont know tell me something that is what i want to hear but is true just tell me something. Im wearing long sleeves and long pants in 90 degree weather... they know something is wrong.
Lindsey
