September 23,2003 - 10:18 p.m.
Perhaps i have given up on everything i ever wanted. The blue eyed boy is gone and i know he is never coming back, i think he fell in love with the idea of being without me. So i will continue to go out on saturday nights drink myself silly until i walk around asking people for hugs and talking about sex... getting in fist fights and waiting to inhale. People tell me not to give a shit, but i cant. But when i talk to him... it is as if there is no interest in even being friends.. oh well. I am talking to boys im not interested in showing them pictures of me in my underwear i cant help but feel so worthless. I feel stupid i feel idiotic i like to be drunk and to bury myself in work so there is no possibility of waking up. I am waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet i am waiting for someone to keep me warm when it is cold. But we all know that isnt going to happen. I am being led on by numerous people.. and i know it. I think i gave up on not being hurt, i think i gave up on deserving someone like him. So i lower my expectations i show some more skin i sit on more laps and put hands in more pockets. Maybe i should just give up, after all... no one likes damaged goods. I have given up on ever not being worthless.. letting boys use me like a toy. Just say that you love me and use me i like it, break me bend me make me what you want im your puppet. When they put their hands on my hips i can feel myself breaking... it doesnt hurt though.. after all i dont want to be me anymore.
