August 22,2004 - 11:30 p.m.
I just decided i needed to write something in here... because i am lonely and i feel kinda bad. I am listening to "My Happy Ending" by Avril (ick i know but i am sad)... and noticing how horrible i feel.. which is pretty funny. I really am trying to keep my chin up.. but it is really hard.. because there is no one left for me. As the tears stream down my cheeks i find myself alone in my room at 11:30pm... and i know i will be for a long time.. everynight.. I have really given up. Maybe admitting defeat is all i can do anymore... and just wait for someone to pick me up and put me back together.. i refuse to show brian i am weak.. i want him to be happy.. because i know that is how he is without me. Now i am listening to "Pieces of Me" by ashlee simpson.. crying again... because he used to know me so well and now i dont know him and he doesnt know me but i thrive on him and i guess i just want to be happy and warm and god i just need to be away. Hysterical... "Vindicated" Dashboard.... im so alone... im crying so hard i just cant help but laugh.. im so pathetic.. I know im not perfect... but now i am broken. I am not sure what is broken, but the hurt will stop soon i hope. I took down all his pictures and put them in a box and buried them in my closet but somehow i still see him... fuck. Chris told me to be strong and have faith.. all i could say was " i try to be strong but when i am alone in my bed in the dark i cant help but cry".I just need to write to get this out of my system... i dont want to say how i feel because i dont want him to know. All i can say is that i am crying... and i am sad... now i am listening to "1000 miles_ by Vanessa Carlton and i am hysterical again because right now i would do anything for brian to hug me.. but i cant let this take me over i have to just pull myself up and be strong because he doesnt want me as a gf anymore and there is nothing i can do but just stop being such a whiny little bitch... When he held me last night on the porch and said "god i am gunna miss you" that is when i couldnt take anymore.. i sat in my car and cried, it was goodbye... listening to "hands down" i remember when you came to me when i had my car accident on the way to school and you held me so fucking close... all i can do is remember now.... I can see my reflection in my mirror and i can see how horribly painful this is... i am laughing again.. because if anyone else was watching this they would be laughing too. I am not mad... just sad... not angry... just emotionally wounded... if brian reads this.. i just want him to know that not all the words of all the songs mean something... i am just needing my crying and my sad love songs...
Lindsey
