Feb. 1,2005 - 4:37 p.m.
I know what you are trying to say and i still am not listening you see that im plugging my ears and screaming in your face i swear to god i am not who they say i am. Perhaps i am they say im losing weight really fast but i dont think so i dont see it well i was just trying to change something i dont wanna be me anymore maybe if i lose 20 pounds and dye my hair things will be different. I am tired of this life im living i think that i need a break. I have group at 6:15 and i feel fat right now.. i had some salad and i swear to god it is making my stomach swell... it needs to stop you dont know hard it is to keep food down i try and eat enough to get by and so that i can continue to work out. There is something i need somewhere but i dont know where to find it... i wish i knew what i was looking for. I am in love with a boy, another blonde boy, and he seems to be perfect. I am kinda scared to let anything happen... cant you see me running away? He writes beautiful poetry... you know i fall in love with words... I havent written in a while i remember when i used to write about love and lust and boys with eyes that make me melt. Now i want to write about tears and sadness and this inner turmoil i suffer from daily. I went to the psychiatrist today... i have more medication now... actually 2 meds now...
Lindsey
