February 6th, 2005 - 9:29 p.m.
I think i am just bitching about nothing right now about the fact that i am lonely and i also dread buying a bathing suit and would i die if i admit i miss brian right now yes i think i might die if i admit that but i already have so bye bye sweet life. the funny thing about this is that i know really no one reads this anymore so i really am just talking to myself... I wish i had a journal... a paper one... it would be my friend. Brian still has all my poems and my journals that i gave him with my heart and he packed them away and put them somewhere else. I feel dead with out them ... dead dead dead. I cant help but be lonely on these days where there are no boys to hold you close and when you dont know how to hold yourself together anymore. I dont want to do my reading for english because im too sad to think. My mom just told me not to stay up too late but i dont think that can be avoided because my brain is going crazy. Where did all my security go???? When i used to feel pretty and i had a guy to seriously take care of me and everyday when i woke up i knew everything would be ok still when i went to bed. I cant deal with this uncertainty. I want to get out of this life i cant wait until graduation and then i can move away from this place and i really dont know. I know it really wont be any better because of the fact that i will just be moving onto something even more uncertain. I dont even remember the last time i felt someone's arms around me and felt at peace with everything. It makes me cry to think that i really will be alone for so much longer than this. I think this might kill me. I think it already has. Im dead on the inside i swear to god there has to be nothing flowing through my veins. I know what you are thinking.. total drama queen... but fuck you then... because yeah... i feel sad. I think that right now i will go and do my hw like a good little girl..Maybe things will look better in the morning..
