October 7,2004 - 11:01 p.m.
Yeah. I feel silly butterflies in my stomach and dirty words escaping from my mouth. I bought new makeup today and decided to do my hair tomorrow. I feel silly. I am making myself up and wearing everything girls should when they want to be noticed by boys.... He thinks i am butthurt by him needing to go to bed... no.. i think he misunderstood. But still i will make myself up tomorrow, not make myself down.. and i will text him and tell him i want to see him and we will meet by ourselves and clothes will come off it will be a beautiful thing. I dont know if it is all that beautiful now i am crying again... maybe this is how it is meant to be... sex is a bargaining tool for everyone, including us now. I am going to go to bed so that i can stop feeling bad about him taking what i said the wrong way. I still am going to take my make up and put it on before i go to meet him and i will still have butterflies in my stomach when i see him. I am happy, because i think things might get better... but i am sad because i have hope.. given by the only person that could possibly give it to me. Maybe i try to act like i am in control but i am not in control of my emotions... i want him more than i have ever wanted anything in my whole life..
Lindsey
