2004-09-21 - 10:14 p.m.
i think im getting sick. My throat is raw and it hurts to talk.
I just got rejected.... what is with all the rejection lately? maybe with another ten pounds gone there will be no rejection.. if not then i will try 15. My ego keeps takin hits.. i think im going to cry. I didnt even want him, all i wanted was for someone to tell me im pretty and... yeah... but that couldnt even happen. Oh well, fuck it. I give up.
Since when did i get so ugly, i dont understand. Maybe it is when my hair started coming out and my face lost its color. Since when have i lost my appeal to guys, since the day i lost my self respect the day i got drunk and laid on the bottom bunk bed alone. Perhaps my heart hasnt healed perhaps i lost myself somewhere. Maybe i am not as pretty as sophomore year, i would love to run away and jump off something so i could go away.
It seems i live day to day from compliment to compliment. I have no confidence... i am disgusting.. but my tummy is flatter... maybe someday i will understand why i feel so alone and why i cant do anything right but flirt with people that will in the end tell me "you are the nicest girl ever. but i dont really want to hurt you, i dont think i can tell you that i like you like that".
Oh well.. I think im tired of this..
I think they all know im in love with a blond blue eyed boy and that the only reason i look at them twice is because i want someone to keep me warm on these cold nights.. and someone to hold me close when i dont know what to do. I dont think he is ever coming back, i guess im meant to be a reject
in the long run ... damaged goods arent sexy
