November 2,2004 - 5pm
Oh well maybe you and i still get butterflies and maybe i can see it in your blue eyes when you look at me that well you find me attractive and maybe we are still close even after weeks away it didnt feel like i missed a beat the comfort is almost unbearable. You said goodbye and now you are saying hello. I am breaking hearts i think stepping on glass and sliding it into my mouth swallow the shards and cough up blood just dont let me talk anymore. All i do it open old wounds and shatter new things and run away from good things. I dont want to be what they think i am i kno im beautiful on the inside, my friends show me that everyday. Yet i cant ever be in love i like this feeling of undivided devotion to everything but me. I lost weight and i think he could tell things were falling apart i kno he can tell by the way my voice cracks on the phone when i talk at night. im scared i dont want something bad to happen. I feel almost fractured straight down my middle i want something i cant have yet at the same time i want nothing at all. Break me break me, just dont wake me from this dream that has almost become reality. Perhaps there are nights when i lay alone and wonder what is coming next, maybe that is why i want to graduate and get away to a place where no one knows my name. I want to start over again. I want to hear "i love you" and believe it. Dont get close to me i break sweet things i like to break them, "if they get to close they will break you"- my mind screams at me as people inch closer to ask what is wrong. They tell me im beautiful, pretty, hot, sexy, gorgeous but all i hear is "Im going to break you step on your heart use you rape you emotionally and leave you to kill yourself with your own lack of emotions." I am sick of hugs i know mean jack shit im sick of smiles that are fake im sick of sugar coated "i love you"'s and these fucking unreal days i spend with people i really dont know anymore. Someone break me damn it i dont want to care i dont want to try i want to BREAK SO HARD that i cant breathe without tasting blood, vomit and tears. He asked me if i wished that someone was lying next to me in bed.. i said no.. i meant yes. I am terminally alone it could be fatal. My soul is bleeding, and i just dont care anymore. I play with my digital camera trying to figure out what i look like i dont kno who this person is in these pictures with the black eyeliner and the long eyelashes... she never smiles it breaks my heart. I heard she is a heartbreaker they have "pimp meetings" once and a while but usually she is out with boys or on the phone with them or sending them text messages. Everyone thinks they almost have her, but really she is a mile away. But really i am sitting by myself listening to sad songs losing weight on crushed ice and equal.
Lindsey
